Two Minute Hate

You've probably heard by now about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's speech at Columbia University by now. For one thing, how could an American university even think of inviting this evil madman hatemonger to open his Farsi-speaking mouth on American soil? Hatespeech isn't protected by the First Amendment! People who speak hate shouldn't be allowed to speak at all! Ahmadinejad is the reincarnation of Hitler, he's a monster, a and a tyrant. He's a hatemonger. He's a terrorist. He's also a dictator, a thug, a delusional anti-Semite, a terrorist, a hatemonger, a terrorist, a hatemonger, a terrorist, and he even personally executed over a thousand people and raped a bunch of women. He calls the holocaust a myth and calls for Israel to be wiped off the map. Of course, I've never seen him actually do any of those things, but they said it on CNN and FOX about eight million times. And FOX has never lied to me, so it must be true.

Why would Columbia University give a pulpit to a hatemonger terrorist who thinks Israel should be wiped off the map? What a terrible stupid idea! But Lee Bollinger made up for it by being the totally rational, honest, respectful and patriotic American we all know he is when he called Ahmadinejad a"petty and cruel dictator", told him he was "either brazenly provocative or astonishingly uneducated." He even commented that Ahmadinejad didn't "have the intellectual courage to answer these questions... I do expect you to exhibit the fanatical mindset that characterizes so much of what you say and do."

Rest assured, the Federalist Paperboy gave Bollinger thunderous applause for opening up on the president of another country with a broadside that makes Bill O'Reilly look like Mr. Rogers. After all, Ahmadinejad is a hatemonger and a terrorist who denies the holocaust and says Israel should be wiped off the map. And you know he really did say that because CNN says he said that. (Well, sure he claims that that isn't what he said. But what does he know?)

And after Bollinger unloaded on the man with waves and waves of good-ole-American verbal muscle, how did Ahmadinejad--who denies the Holocaust and calls for Israel to be bombed off the map--respond?

"At the outset, I want to complain a bit on the person who read this political statement against me. In Iran, tradition requires that when we demand a person to invite us as a -- to be a speaker, we actually respect our students and the professors by allowing them to make their own judgment...

In many parts of his speech, there were many insults and claims that were incorrect, regretfully. Of course, I think that he was affected by the press, the media and the political sort of mainstream line that you read here, that goes against the very grain of the need for peace and stability in the world around us.

Nonetheless, I should not begin by being affected by this unfriendly treatment."

What an asshole! Respect? Who does he think he is to get invited to an American university and actually be respected by the very people who invited him? Maybe he should have thought of that before he drove the truck bomb into the Beirut barracks and blew up hundreds of American troops! You want to talk about insults? Mr. Ahmadinejad, you insult every man woman and child in America just by breathing our free American air!

But that's not even the end of it. Ahmadinejad--who denies World War-II and calls for Israel to be nuked off the map-- tries to convince everyone that he's not the crazy murderous genocidal lunatic we all know he is! Bollinger asked him a simple straightforward question: "Do you or your government seek the destruction of the state of Israel as a Jewish state?"

Ahmadinejad's answer:

"Blah blah blah Palestinians blah blah blah referendum blah blah blah Israel has abused them for sixty years."

How dare he!

Bollinger asked, "Why is your government providing aid to terrorists?"

What do you think that Ahmadinejad--who denies the moon landings and thinks Anna Nicole Smith should be wiped off the map--said?? Predictably, like all evil despotic liars, he changed the subject:

"If someone comes and explodes bombs around you, threatens your president, members of the administration, kills the members of the Senate or Congress, how would you treat them? Would you award them or would you name them a terrorist group? Well, it's clear. You would call them a terrorist."

You hear that? Ahmadinejad--who denies oxygen and calls for every man woman and child in America to be skull-fucked--just called Israel a terrorist! That ruthless petty childish thug just called Israel a terrorist! What kind of sick monster would even suggest such a horrible thing?!

But does he stop there? No, he goes even farther!

"We've been victims of terrorism ourselves, and it's regrettable that people who argue they're fighting terrorism, instead of supporting the Iranian people and nation, instead of fighting the terrorists that are attacking them, they're supporting the terrorists and then turn the fingers to us. This is most regrettable."

Yep, you heard it right! Ahmadinejad--who calls carbon based life forms a "myth" and says all women everywhere should be raped off the map-- has now called America a terrorist too! That evil lying terroristic terrorizer!

Of course, no Ahmadinejad speech would be complete without the man taking the opportunity to deny the holocaust, like we all know he does.

"I'm not saying that it didn't happen at all. This is not judgment that I'm passing here. I said in my second question, granted this happened, what does it have to do with the Palestinian people? This is a serious question. They're two dimension..."

Look at that first statement. "I'm not saying. It didn't happen at all." There he goes again denying the holocaust! What a rotten terroristastical anti-Semite dweeb!

The absolute worst of Ahmadinejad moments? The top (bottom?) three were these gems (turds?) he heaped upon our poor unsuspected Columbia students. First of all:

If the root causes of 9/11 are examined properly -- why it happened, what caused it, what were the conditions that led to it, who truly was involved, who was really involved -- and put it all together to understand how to prevent the crisis in Iraq, fix the problem in Afghanistan and Iraq combined.

Thereby denying 9/11 just like he denies the holocaust. What a lying evil terroristorifacious hatemonger!

I think the politicians who are after atomic bombs or are testing them, making them -- politically they are backward, retarded.

What an evil hatemongering terroristicatious liar! He just called George W. Bush backwards and retarded! Pay attention Ahmadinejerk, I'm only going to say this once: George W. Bush is not backwards!

And then Ahmadinejad--who denies my credit card applications and calls for the Klingons to be wiped off Uranus--followed up in rare form with the biggest load of bull ever:

I think that if the U.S. administration -- if the U.S. government puts aside some of its old behaviors, it can actually be a good friend for the Iranian people, for the Iranian nation.
For 28 years they've consistently threatened us, insulted us, prevented our scientific development, every day under one pretext or another. You all know Saddam the dictator was supported by the government of the United States and some Europeans countries in attacking Iran. And in -- he carried out an eight-year war, a criminal war. Over 200,000 Iranians were -- lost their lives. Over 600,000 Iranians were hurt as a result of a war. He used chemical weapons; thousands of Iranians were victims of chemical weapons that he used against us.

And since then, we've been under different propaganda sort of embargoes, economic sanctions, political sanctions. Why? Because we got rid of a dictator? Because we wanted the freedom and democracy that we got for ourselves? But we can't always tell. We think that if the U.S. government recognizes the rights of the Iranian people, respects all nations, and extends a hand of friendship with all Iranians, they too will see that Iranians will be one of its best friends.

I've never in my life seen such a heap of bullshit in my entire life. The U.S. and Iran being friends? That's simply impossible, immoral, incomprehensible, inconceivable. The United States of America is a free country populated by human beings, Iran is an evil dictatorship populated by evil Muslim dictatertots! We could never be "best friends" with that gang of terrorists, not after what they did to our boys at Pearl Harbor!

Death to Ahmadinejad! Death to Emmanuel Goldstein!

This concludes today's Two Minute Hate. We now continue your regularly scheduled program. Remember, Big Brother is watching.

The Surge is Working. We’re Kicking Ass. War is Peace.

Reflections on a Sick Puppet Show
What the hell kind of man did Diebold put into office? Everything he touches seems to blow up, fall apart, or otherwise disintegrate in a chorus of gnashing teeth. The Bush Effect seems to manifest in everything from the American economy to Wolf Blitzer’s manhood, and precious few things survive an encounter with this life-sucking black hole of a man who reaps misery and destruction everywhere he goes.

Seems somebody forgot to explain this fact to Shattar Abu Risha, who found out the hard way the price of making a Deal with the Dubya. The late puppet-warlord of the Anbar Salvation front was relatively unknown here in the United States, but was already a household name for Iraqis in Anbar Province (well, in the same sense that “Al Capone” is a household name for people in Chicago). But we also know that Dubya never meets in person with anyone who isn’t either in his pocket or somehow on board with his “vision” of the universe, so what exactly does that say about Abu Risha’s motives?

Well, before you answer that, what does everyone else say about Abu Risha?

According to Captain Martin Wohlgemuth:

“Sattar Abu Risha, a living legacy in his own right. He's probably better known as Lawrence of Arabia to the Americans. His legacy is what allowed this to happen in a lot of different places. And it’s happening in Amiriya, they've got freedom fighters. In Abu Ghraib, they’ve got some freedom fighters. And they all say it's generally because of that, because he was first one to really do it. The major sticking point is trying to get the government of Iraq to buy into groups of armed Sunnis so close to Baghdad.”

Yep, he’s the Uniter, the guy who brings all the freedom fighters together. Wonderful guy!

According to Yahoo news:

Abu Risha's killing — just 10 days after his meeting with Bush — dealt a blow to one of the few success stories in U.S. efforts to stabilize Iraq. The tribal leader brought together Anbar sheiks into an alliance against extremists, after years of American failure to tame flash points such as Ramadi and fallujah.

I guess we’re lucky to have such a valuable ally.

Sort of. According to Time Magazine before his inevitable death:

So what sort of a deal could the U.S. strike? General Odierno, an Iraq veteran with a reputation for cold-eyed realism, has cited the military's partnership with formerly anti-American tribes in the restive Anbar promise. There, U.S. Marines have supported a coalition of tribes, known as the "Anbar Salvation Front," fighting al-Qaeda. The group's leader, Sheikh Sattar al-Risha, is ostensibly cooperating with the U.S. and Iraqi forces to drive out the foreign fighters who make up much al-Qaeda's ranks in Iraq. And since the alliance has been in effect, the number of attacks against U.S. forces in Anbar has halved.

But that's only part of the picture. Sheikh Sattar, whose tribe is notorious for highway banditry, is also building a personal militia, loyal not to the Iraqi government but only to him. Other tribes — even those who want no truck with terrorists — complain they are being forced to kowtow to him. Those who refuse risk being branded as friends of al-Qaeda and tossed in jail, or worse. In Baghdad, government delight at the Anbar Front's impact on al-Qaeda is tempered by concern that the Marines have unwittingly turned Sheikh Sattar into a warlord who will turn the province into his personal fiefdom.

Exactly the kind of person who deserves American tax dollars! Just ask Ali Suleiman from the Dulaim confederation (the largest tribal organization in Anbar), who described Abu Risha as a "traitor" who "sells his beliefs, his religion and his people for money," and suggested that Abu Risha is essentially a disaster-capitalist who specializes in highway robbery, oil smuggling, gun running, ransom kidnapping, blackmail... with a resume like this, Abu Risha might as well work for Halliburton.

Given his reputation, Sheikh/Warlord Abu Risha’s death is probably the least surprising thing that’s happened in Iraq in the past eighteen months. Almost as unsurprising is the fact that the Imperialist intelligentsia has already gone out of its way to blame it on Al Qaida. Apparently, the idea of America’s pet-gangster being bombed by his own men is an image that pokes too large a hole in the already-sinking ship of General Betrayus’ credibility. But then, when you think back to some of those one hundred and ninety thousand missing weapons the U.S. was supposed to give to the Iraqi Military... well, you get the idea.

And then the treasonous little kissass has the nerve to sit in front of congress and talk about the success of Dubya's "troop surge". How is this supposed to work, exactly? The Surge was supposed to create "breathing room" for the Iraqi Government to make adequate progress; instead, the al-Maliki Government met 7 out of 18 benchmarks. It was supposed to create room for a reconciliation process that could end (or at least reduce) sectarian violence; instead, the death toll has actually climbed every week since the Surge began. And for the icing on the cake: the most that General Betrayus has to show for the surge is having sold a bunch of weapons to a vicious Sunni gangster with delusions of grandeur, and even that dubious success has just come to a calamitous end.

Now the Iraqi People want our troops to leave (79% of them at last check), and wouldn't you know it, so do the American people in pretty much the same proportions. To most of us, it's plainly obvious what's going on here: Dubya's just gambled away our entire life savings at the blackjack table, and now he's about to bet the house and car. He says he's got a system now, he says he can turn it around with a couple more hands. Finally got a good deck, says Dubya, and tosses the car keys on the table.

No more bets, George. We've had enough for one century.